and down will come baby, cradle and all

i haven't been sleeping well lately. correction, i haven't been sleeping much lately. it's not that i'm not home early enough to go to bed at a decent time. nor do i have so many pressing things to take care of to keep me busy all night and morning. i'm demented; sometimes, i actually make the choice to stay up when i am tired, exhausted. even after a night out when i get home after 3am, i have been known to stay up an extra hour and a half to dick around online or watch scrubs. i was up watching episode after episode of scrubs (yeah, i'm a little obsessed right now) the other night when it finally dawned on me why i torture myself night after night. i don't like sleeping alone. when i finally give in and curl up in my bed, the pillow between my knees offers little comfort. but, i clutch it anyway. pretending it's a warm body, one with big cozy arms that wrap around me, stroking my hair, soothing me to sleep...

it's 1:20am, my eyes are drooping and my head hurts, i'm still blogging. i have an illness. wait, i don't need anyone. i'm an independent woman now. i should be basking in the freedom of my drama-less, relationship-less life. right? no. i crave companionship. not sex. i just want someone to curl up with. someone that doesn't want sex from me - i can't handle that kind of pressure now. cuddle buddy? is it only a myth? *sigh* i give up...where's my pillow?

did you sneeze?

a day doesn't go by that i don't think of him at least once. lately, i've been thinking about him more often. i must miss him. i do miss him. but what do i miss? he told me while we were sitting on a beach that i made him feel bad about himself. i felt so sorry when i heard that. i've been there too. unworthy. what a silly and irrational thing to feel, but it hurts so much. i'd vowed never to make anyone feel that way. but i did. every day i try to think of ways i can show him that i miss him. but, i'm afraid to interfere with his healing. i want to make a list of reasons why he is a beautiful person, but when i start to...the words don't come. he could make a list for me. it's a warmth, a fire that i can't seem to put into writing. i hope he knows it. i miss my dear friend romie.

you're kidding me right?

i cried today. i lost all faith that the american people are not ignorant. they are; not as individuals maybe, but on a whole. the news that bush has been re-elected really hurt. it hurt almost as much as 9/11. that day my heart ached at the realization that our world was/is so divided and in so much turmoil. i cannot get my mind around the fact that more than half of america agrees with george w. bush. i don't pretend to understand the difference in economic plans or the strategies of war. i don't care. nor do i deny that it is possible to rationalize a vote for bush. however, i believe george w. bush goes against all principles and values of humanity. gay rights. abortion. his world view is unacceptable and that issue supercedes all others, social or economic! in a time when the international community needs unity and cooperation most, bush's elitist attitude will only serve to divide, create bitterness, and bring us into an era of darkness. 59 million people agree with him. are 59 million people that ignorant? is it me? my idealism took a hard blow today. it'll come back tomorrow, but my heart still aches.