and down will come baby, cradle and all

i haven't been sleeping well lately. correction, i haven't been sleeping much lately. it's not that i'm not home early enough to go to bed at a decent time. nor do i have so many pressing things to take care of to keep me busy all night and morning. i'm demented; sometimes, i actually make the choice to stay up when i am tired, exhausted. even after a night out when i get home after 3am, i have been known to stay up an extra hour and a half to dick around online or watch scrubs. i was up watching episode after episode of scrubs (yeah, i'm a little obsessed right now) the other night when it finally dawned on me why i torture myself night after night. i don't like sleeping alone. when i finally give in and curl up in my bed, the pillow between my knees offers little comfort. but, i clutch it anyway. pretending it's a warm body, one with big cozy arms that wrap around me, stroking my hair, soothing me to sleep...

it's 1:20am, my eyes are drooping and my head hurts, i'm still blogging. i have an illness. wait, i don't need anyone. i'm an independent woman now. i should be basking in the freedom of my drama-less, relationship-less life. right? no. i crave companionship. not sex. i just want someone to curl up with. someone that doesn't want sex from me - i can't handle that kind of pressure now. cuddle buddy? is it only a myth? *sigh* i give up...where's my pillow?

did you sneeze?

a day doesn't go by that i don't think of him at least once. lately, i've been thinking about him more often. i must miss him. i do miss him. but what do i miss? he told me while we were sitting on a beach that i made him feel bad about himself. i felt so sorry when i heard that. i've been there too. unworthy. what a silly and irrational thing to feel, but it hurts so much. i'd vowed never to make anyone feel that way. but i did. every day i try to think of ways i can show him that i miss him. but, i'm afraid to interfere with his healing. i want to make a list of reasons why he is a beautiful person, but when i start to...the words don't come. he could make a list for me. it's a warmth, a fire that i can't seem to put into writing. i hope he knows it. i miss my dear friend romie.

you're kidding me right?

i cried today. i lost all faith that the american people are not ignorant. they are; not as individuals maybe, but on a whole. the news that bush has been re-elected really hurt. it hurt almost as much as 9/11. that day my heart ached at the realization that our world was/is so divided and in so much turmoil. i cannot get my mind around the fact that more than half of america agrees with george w. bush. i don't pretend to understand the difference in economic plans or the strategies of war. i don't care. nor do i deny that it is possible to rationalize a vote for bush. however, i believe george w. bush goes against all principles and values of humanity. gay rights. abortion. his world view is unacceptable and that issue supercedes all others, social or economic! in a time when the international community needs unity and cooperation most, bush's elitist attitude will only serve to divide, create bitterness, and bring us into an era of darkness. 59 million people agree with him. are 59 million people that ignorant? is it me? my idealism took a hard blow today. it'll come back tomorrow, but my heart still aches.

tell me how to get to sesame street

heh. retroactive posting. nice.

i spent halloween with a boy band. met a bunch of newly graduated frat boys at a party. there was the funny guy, the hardcore dare-devil thug, the quiet shy guy, the idiot, and the one that doesn't really stand out in any way but is way cute. there's something about guys who have a bond with each other and openly show their affection for each other that i find wholly attractive. tabitha says it's a sign of immaturity, an inability to hold their own. yeah, maybe. it was so funny to hang out with them for one night though.

okay fine. yes, i did go home with one of them; the one that doesn't stand out but is so damn cute (his mom and grandma had made his oscar the grouch costume). he was pretty tired and drunk by the time we decided to crash in his bed. i was relieved when he passed out without pouncing on me. an hour later though, he woke and charged at me with such frenzy! i was able to keep him at bay; nothing more than making out. which, is a little odd, because i don't want a relationship right now, but i am in need of some good lovin'. a one night stand would probably fit that bill. besides the fact that his fumbling around was not a good indication for a good round in bed, it occurred to me that i miss the emotional intimacy of knowing someone really well. making out and hot sex aren't good enough. i want to connect with someone again. i want the comfort of being close to someone.

just a start

i have a horrid memory. anyone who knows me knows it. i figured, a half year into my move to chicago would be a good place as any to start a chronical of my daily musings and happenings. probably not very interesting on the whole. but at least it'll help me remember. oh, and might save me from repeating the same story to those important to me. ;) bitty experiment, we'll see how long i will remember to update. cheers all.

a look back

For posterity's sake. Retro-post from last June.

Tonight, I am officially in love with Chicago. It happened about 1.5 hours ago; 8:50pm central time.

It was dusk, beneath a warm summer night sky. A few ominous clouds above threatening to pour down; it only sprinkled. In Grant Park next to Lake Michigan. DJ Derrick Carter spinning melodic groovy house tunes. A free show. I was dancing amidst all walks of life. You name him, he was there, she was too. All sorts, all shapes, all ages, all styles, dancing together under this warm summer night sky. The skinny white guy in a wife beater was dancing with a cool hippie chick. An old couple, older than our parents, dancing hand in hand. The guy with the Mohawk was there, so was Goth chick with piercings all over her face. Beer belly dude in a bright orange football jersey was getting down like no other. Group of basketball jerseys. Prep boy in a sweater. A chic hottie grooved behind her hot pink glasses, next to two mamacitas. Three kids blew by me and started a congo line! The big black guy that dances all nutty doing crazy poses and worshipping peoples feet was there shouting “Chicago house!” The Asian mama’s boy was dancing with his graceful brunette gal. Euroboy who dances with his mouth gaping wide open in a permanent surprised look, he was there. He was dancing with black grandma wearing African garb. That Latino guy with long hair tied back in a long ponytail, he was bopping and turning. Nerdy science TA carried his 3 year-old on his shoulders, bouncing. Belly dancing gal with an afro, she was mesmerizing. All sorts, all shapes, all ages, all styles, dancing together under this warm summer night sky. Tears of joy filled my eyes at 8:50pm. I am in love.