i'm an asshole

i was given a chance to set things right. i was given the chance to stop leading him down the wrong path. i didn't do it. i just blushed and tried to wave away his "infatuation". all i had to do was be honest and up front. do i crave attention so much that i don't give away any chance at it? is my desire to please all so great that i give in, give myself? is my ego that starved? is my ego that swollen?

anyway, i was called out. chewed out. i'm an asshole. he called me on it. i felt horrid. a well deserved lashing. thanks james, i needed that.

thrown

bitter, longing, loathing, adoration, cringe, touch, nostalgia, melancholy, fondness, anger, love, sweet. one person evokes clashing words and emotions. pushed so far. shoved away. trying to break me, faith. hate for your pushing. trying to break me, hope. anger. a rock of hope, of you. frustration. pulled in all directions. conviction. i will. i will love. i will love you. you will not break me. you will not break me from you.

legacy

With a fleeting memory, it is hard to focus on specific memories of my grandmother. I have blurry images of her in the kitchen, of my grandparents’ home in Taichung, of her reading or knitting in bed while the grandkids played in her closet. There are vague images that may have originated from old photographs. I remember when she wasn’t frail. I remember when she looked taller, robust, and full of vitality. I suppose it is important to have detailed stories and experiences to tell about a person so close to my life. I don’t have that. I have her essence. My grandmother left a lasting impression. She was a vibrant woman. She was a strong woman. I didn’t have to grow up under her supervision to know it. You could see her strength emanating from the way she instructed Grandpa on how to make onion cakes. She had an opinion on most everything. You could feel her warm presence when she entered. Most of all, you can see proof of her strength in her children. My uncle, my aunts, and my mother are each unique but share the same strength of character and vivacity that my grandmother had. It only takes a brief meeting with my mother to know that she is an extraordinary and commanding personality - full of life, full of youth. My grandmother is responsible for that. She instilled my mother and all of her children with her strength of mind, strength of character, strength of spirit. In them, especially in my mother, I know my grandmother lives on. In me, I know my grandmother will live on.